038: Navigating Military Transition | Regain Structure & Identity

0:07 SPEAKER_01: No part of the globe was uncharted. No life was unhappy.

0:15 SPEAKER_01: World War II. Every single person has a story. These are the stories that make us who we are. Listen to World War II with Tom Hanks on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.

0:39 SPEAKER_06: Welcome to the Warriors Haven Podcast, the place where discipline meets purpose and everyday people become unstoppable. I'm your host, Jaisha Sutherland, a retired Army drill sergeant, single mom, and the founder of the Warriors Haven. Around here, we talk fitness, mindset, and the mission of building a stronger you, mentally, physically, and financially. Because this isn't just about the gym. It's about life, leadership, and living on your terms. So gear up, lock in, and let's step into the haven where warriors are made.

1:25 SPEAKER_06: Today I'm sitting with two men who have led at levels most people will never understand. A retiring army colonel, strategic leadership, decades of command, responsibility at the highest level. And a retired command star major, ground force leadership, culture builder, the backbone of discipline inside the ranks. Two different perspectives. One shared truth. Transition will test everything you thought you knew about yourself. Gentlemen, welcome.

2:02 SPEAKER_02: Jay, thanks for having us on today.

2:04 SPEAKER_06: Of course, of course. Hi, hi. So I've kind of broken this up, guys, into five segments. And then, of course, our closing, which I'm really excited about. And I don't think the listeners and the audience that we have all over the world are going to be ready for the gift and surprise later, but we'll get to that. So, in these segments, this first one, I want to kind of talk about a little bit on identity and transition. Um, and so let's let's start here because this is where most people break and don't even realize it.

2:35 SPEAKER_06: Um, Derek, I I want to come to you first. You've spent your life leading at a high level. Uh, people look to you for direction, decisions, authority. So I want to ask you this honestly. What scared you most about transitioning out?

2:50 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, this is a great question. And I often talk about this with my brother and and my and my wife and all these folks is what do I want to do when I grow up? You know, that's the biggest thing that scared me the most is you know, the Army spent about a 30-year career, you know, 29 plus years, so say three decades. And you kind of know where you're going, you're mapped out in general. You kind of know where you're going, you know what next job, where you're gonna live, next post, yada, yada, yada.

3:15 SPEAKER_02: Now I don't know, right? And so uh it's that's the scary part. And then knowing that the resources you had at your fingertips with the army or whatever service you're in, there's a lot of really great services that I think that people just don't tap into or maybe realize that are there, that are not always gonna be at your fingertips. It's hard, you're not gonna be able to go, hey, I need to reach out to this person or this network because that network may not be there anymore. And the other, I think the third one is always, you know, work, where to live, finances, health insurance, you know, all the things that you didn't really have to worry too much about because you kind of got told all that, and like you know, like health insurance is part of the part of the job, you know, you're getting paid, I don't know where you're gonna live, you gotta pick a house, but you know exactly where you're going.

4:04 SPEAKER_02: You know, I think so. But I think the biggest I think the scariest thing is finding that new purpose, that new goal. What do I want to be when I grow up is the most significant thing that I think will challenge most folks.

4:18 SPEAKER_06: Excellent. So a follow-up. Was there a moment where you realized I'm not in control the way I used to be?

4:27 SPEAKER_02: Uh, so you know, the army has, I'll just say it's dictated my career for the past three decades. So they've had control. I I would say after this, and you know, and again, there's a lot of folks that are retired, or like my brother's just retired, or folks like me that are retiring. It seems like that control is now back in my lap. So I think less about me losing control, but gaining more and not knowing what to do with it. That's a challenge, right? Like, that's the scary part. Like, I don't have to work.

5:00 SPEAKER_02: Maybe I do have to work. Where am I gonna live? The army's not telling me where to live. I don't want to do this job anymore. I could just quit. Or I could do something or reframe it. Like, all these things are now that control's back in my lap, and I can kind of do and say what I want. That's also scary. It is, you know what I mean? So having that freedom is pretty amazing.

5:23 SPEAKER_06: Oh, I love that. I love that. Sorry, Major. TJ, I'm gonna uh bring you in. You've spent decades enforcing discipline, so setting standards, shaping soldiers. So, what happens when you're no longer the one setting the standard every day?

5:40 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so discipline of thought, word indeed. That is my number two life principle. And everything begins with a thought. What are we gonna do today to make ourselves and the team better tomorrow? And then does our video match our audio? So my wife has uh designated me her trophy husband, so I'm still setting a standard. All right, I've got to set the trophy husband standard. I can get fired from that job. I can't get fired as a husband, but I can lose the trophy status. So man, right, so on the standards piece, I gotta go to the gym and right.

6:10 SPEAKER_03: Not only do I have to go to the gym, but I have to you know cook, clean, do all the errands, do whatever it is that a trophy husband's gonna do, where uh you know, is my wife still uh you know bringing home the bacon, so to speak, you know, bringing home the paycheck, uh, which is good. After 32 years in the army, I'm pretty excited about that. But for setting the standard for me is uh now I've got uh I am disciplined in what I do every day. I didn't just come, I didn't just uh retire and say I'm just gonna not say quit our life, but just say it's kind of random, random way to move through life.

6:40 SPEAKER_03: No, I still keep myself very disciplined when I sleep, what I'm what I'm gonna be eating, and then uh what I'm gonna do each and every day. So yeah, I'm still setting the standard for me. And then for all the trophy husbands out there, still rocking it.

6:51 SPEAKER_06: Oh, I love it. So sorry, Major, uh, I I want to go a little deeper here. Um, what did you notice about soldiers who struggle the most after leaving service?

7:03 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I would say for I would say it's more towards the folks who've been either mid-grade to more senior in the military because I think our junior folks coming out, they're still relatively young, especially in your four to six year mark. You're almost at uh you know, just graduated college age, so you're not really too far from when you actually left home. But I'd say for more of the senior and mid-grade folks, it's uh they cannot let the anchor of the past go. They can't drop it. Like, oh, I used to be this, I used to be this, I used to be that.

7:32 SPEAKER_03: That's all that's all the extrinsic things that are still tied themselves to. Because they're still tied to this title, the title, whatever tied to whatever they were while they were in the service. Now they're struggling when they get out of the service. Like I've got two ID cards. I've got a dependent ID card and a retired ID card. And the most powerful one is my dependent one, not my retiree, because when I look at anything dealing with all things military, specifically when it comes to medical, my dependent ID card gets me to priority number one.

8:00 SPEAKER_03: Families and service, active duty service members at with you know, search ones. Retirees, you're all the way down at the bottom. I mean down at the bottom. And so people are struggling for that. Well, I used to walk in, I used to come into executive health, specifically designed for general officers, flag officers, and for the nominative sergeants and majors who work for those uh geos and flag officers. That was great. I could make a phone call, boom, my man was super fast. Now I'm uh I'm in the VA system, the VA's been really great.

8:27 SPEAKER_03: Uh, I don't use too much with the Army's service right here or the Air Force service here because the veteran, the VA system's been good for me. But it just takes a little more time. And so you have to understand that. And so for everybody that's out there, is just cut the anchor, look at your intrinsic values, who you are, your own self-worth. Don't tie it to a title, don't tie it to an extras, tie it to who you are as an individual. And that's what's gonna help you out because if you don't, you are gonna struggle.

8:51 SPEAKER_03: And that's where I see a lot of folks struggle, it's because they're tied stuff to an extrinsic value and nothing internally intrinsic to them.

8:57 SPEAKER_06: And I couldn't agree more 100%. Um, and and the same thing with my dependent cards. My son has his dependent card and I and I have my retirement card. And I and I see the same thing. You know, I can call and make an appointment, and I'm, you know, I'm out 30, 45 days. Um, but if I call and make an appointment for my son, he's like the next day, you know what I mean? And so it's it's I I see that also. Um, and the same thing with my battle buddies. Uh, I have quite a few that are still struggling um with that transition out because it's still holding on to that prior of the military.

9:30 SPEAKER_06: And so I struggled with that for a while too, until you know, I really kind of was able to maneuver, bring that structure and that discipline back into my life. So I want um to you both to answer to answer this one for me. And I want you guys to be real with it. Um, finish this sentence. The biggest lie we tell ourselves in the military about transition is Derek, you go first. All right.

9:55 SPEAKER_02: Time. Uh the time given to do it, right? And uh, I think that's the big one. Um, we often say, hey, we've got a year or two years to do this transition, but for those who've been going hard in the paint often, uh, we tend not to do that and we don't give ourselves enough time. We tell everybody to do it, but we don't. So that's the big lie we tell ourselves is we'll have time to do on the back end, we'll have time to do on the back end, but then when that back end comes, you just don't have time.

10:22 SPEAKER_02: And and that's the challenge. And the last plug I want to put in for Tom when you talk about the extrinsic or the things that you tie yourself to. The worst offenders are people who want to tell you what they used to be colonels. I was a coloneling. I'm very charming. Thank you, new. Hey, thanks a lot. The operative word is retired. Yes, yes. Yeah, that's all we talk about up front. It's like it's Derek and TJ, right? Like, as I'm looking to retire, that's kind of the the mindset you gotta be in because you know, it's much like CrossFitters and vegans.

10:52 SPEAKER_02: Hey, they're gonna tell you they're a CrossFitter or vegan when the first five five seconds of them meeting you. Colonels are the same way. No, it's a colonel in the nine seconds army.

10:59 SPEAKER_05: Thanks.

11:02 SPEAKER_06: Right, right. And TJ, what's your answer to the to the question? The biggest lie we tell ourselves in the military about transition is people will still reach out to you on the other end.

11:13 SPEAKER_03: Uh, so you have a large network, and don't get me wrong, you could reach out to your group and your collective, say, hey, I'm going to be in this city or country, X, Y, Z, are you still there? Can we can we link up? But very few actually reach out to you on a regular basis because they're busy and life moves on, and you have stepped away from that culture and that environment, and so you're just left kind of alone and unafraid. I think went back to your earlier questions like how you know why do people struggle?

11:39 SPEAKER_03: It's because that connection of all these people are is gone. Now you've got our core group of individuals, and and I would hope people have this sort of core group of individuals, and that's been great. Uh, I've got a you know, Derek and I have a very group, a good group of uh of men and women we we hang out with, and we all call each other, and which is good. But I think the uh the network changes and will continue to be there, but the continuous or constant connection and contact with them will go away.

12:10 SPEAKER_03: We just have to be cognizant of that and just and realize that. Like I said, it goes back to what do you want to do when you get out as you transform your life, as when I talk about reforging who you are as an individual, moving forward through a life. Yes, know the people there, but just don't, again, don't let them hold you back and don't think about all the times that that did happen. And at the end of the day, now you've got a great opportunity to create new memories and create new connections and create new friends and have you know meet new friends.

12:34 SPEAKER_03: Uh so take those as great opportunities. It's not a threat, it's not a weakness, it's just opportunities waiting to happen.

12:39 SPEAKER_06: Oh, I love both those answers. Thanks, thanks, guys. So, one of our biggest things, I think, that we connected on um when we, you know, got to talking and really got to meet each other was energy. Um, you know, my my podcast and the things that I am very passionate about is discipline and energy. I go completely against the motivation thing. Um, and you know, that's kind of the point of view for me. So when we talk about energy, I kind of want to shift the conversation a little bit into something that I believe the root of everything we're talking about right now, and energy.

13:13 SPEAKER_06: Um, most people think that they have a discipline or a motivation problem. Um, I, of course, really speak more and harp more on discipline, and then I tie in energy. Um, and I'm a big believer in it because it's what I had to apply in my personal life to be where I'm at now with the thought process and the mindset that I have now. Um, and I've noticed that energy it scientifically has actually been shown that a lot of globally our friends all over the world are actually struggling with. Um, and so science backs a lot of the research with that, on top of you know, all the other things globally going on, anxiety, depression, loneliness.

13:56 SPEAKER_06: Um, so when your environment changes and your brain has to re-regulate, according to the research from the American Psychological Association, major life transitions spike stress hormones like cortisol, which directly impacts our energy, our focus, and our emotional control. So, now let me ask you both this. Uh, Derek, when you have your daily structure changed, how did your energy change?

14:27 SPEAKER_02: That's a great question. So I I'm not sure it really has. I mean, there were there were some moments and times, especially as I started looking at what the transition window looks like, that uh there might have been a little bit of fatigue. And you you're always gonna get some, you know, when you're coming off that that work high, when you're just going hard in the paint or just just going hard in service all the time, you get a little bit of fatigue. You know, Tom and I and folks we always talk about managing energy, right?

14:52 SPEAKER_02: And everybody's got a different way to do it, whether you're an extrovert, introvert, somewhere in the middle, uh, what whatever your energy level looks like, there's ways to do it. And so for me, one of the things that I helps me out is living my four core life values. So it starts off with purpose in my and over time, this didn't happen like it wasn't like a like a uh Eureka moment. Like it took a while to figure out my purpose was, and it and it was really family and service, you know, service to nation, service to family, uh, you know, doing things for family, all these things, right?

15:24 SPEAKER_02: That's a big deal. And then teamwork. We can't do this alone. So have an accountability, you know, and yeah, that that helps out managing energy. But also, like your team will help you, uh, you they can help you understand your energy level, their energy level, how to impart the two of them, how to how to make sure those things are in harmony. So you're not uh pace setting and just crushing your team or crushing yourself to make your team better. It's all it's all uh um symbiotic relationship when it comes to energy in that way.

15:51 SPEAKER_02: And then be fit, mind, body, and spirit. And I think this is one of the most important things when it comes to energy. You know, to me, and this is you know a personal thing, is physical fitness needs to mental and spiritual fitness. I mean, there is scientific fact that the more you work out, or whatever work, whatever that workout looks like, walking, riding a bike, swimming, uh aerobics, weightlifting, yoga, you name it, whatever that looks like it increases a lot of the the uh different hormones in your body and your energy level always increases and helps out with depression, all these other things.

16:27 SPEAKER_02: And being fit mentally and spiritually helps either making tough decisions, uh being resilient, all these things we talk about, all of them together that sort of help the holistic fitness really helps out. And the last thing is have fun. If you don't like what you're doing, reframe it. Figure it out. If not, do something else. And that's what we talked about earlier. It's like I am in control now. Like once I once I get my D form 214 here in the near future, like it's me. If I don't like what I'm doing, I'll do my own thing, and that's it, right?

16:58 SPEAKER_02: And and it's exciting to do that, and uh, and I think those are the important things. Find your core values and live those, and that will help you with your energy management.

17:08 SPEAKER_06: Oh, I love that. So you spoke very briefly and said the word fatigue. Did you feel more freedom, or did you feel more fatigue during this process?

17:20 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, so I I think for sure not fatigue and not freedom yet. And I say that because I'm still in and I'm still in the transition process. I've still got a little like a you know, several months to go, but it's knowing that at the end I'll I'll be able, especially like when folks are on terminal leave, you're gonna take that 30, 60, 90 days to really like refresh, reset, and get going. So that's important. So I'm sure there'll be some fatigue in there, and I'm okay with that because you got to reset.

17:50 SPEAKER_02: But then that's that freedom we talked about. Now I'm in control. Now I can do what I want. Uh, and again, it's a little scary. So I'm excited about that. I can start feeling it more and more the closer I get.

18:00 SPEAKER_06: Yeah, yeah. It's it's it's such a great feeling. I know when I was in that process of retiring and getting out, it to me in my mind, I was just going on a really long extended leave.

18:13 SPEAKER_05: Yeah.

18:14 SPEAKER_06: But I wasn't prepared for the after. I didn't put any plan in place for the after. I just kind of stayed in that rut, stuck environment of I'm still on a long leave. And so that looking back now at my time, I can see where my downfall really happened. Um, and so I love connecting and having episodes like this with people going through the process or recently just new out of our transition out, um, so that they can understand like going through it and then having a plan for after. Because I didn't.

18:48 SPEAKER_06: So, TJ, we've been uh or you've you've seen soldiers operate at peak performances. What separates high energy leaders from burned out ones?

19:00 SPEAKER_03: Uh yeah, so I've been both. So that's a great question. And before you get into that one, I just want to remind everybody the grass is definitely greener on the other side once you retire. Everybody says you gotta water your grass and do all like no, no, no. I'm telling you right now, again, I sort over almost 33 years the grass is totally greener on the other side.

19:19 SPEAKER_06: It is, it is absolutely the flowers are blooming and everything. It's it's it's absolutely amazing.

19:24 SPEAKER_03: Every day they're blooming. Uh okay, so having been that uh I would say peak performer and uh high energy, and then just drag it at that point. So one is how to refresh your energy well. There's a bunch of different ways to do it. We just have to figure out how to do it. As Derek said, extrovert, introvert. And he says somewhere in the middle. So I don't know if we call that a middle vert. I don't know what we're gonna do with that one. Maybe we'll make a new term. Uh, but at the end of the day, it's how do you refresh your energy well?

19:48 SPEAKER_03: And then the other thing, too, is for leaders, uh, we've all done it, we've all experienced it. So this is from a place of wisdom and from a place of experience. We do too much for others. We sometimes forget, hey, only we can only do what we are allowed we that we are asked to do. Like, so if I can only do a certain thing, that's what I need to focus on. I should delegate everything else and entrust the entire team. And I s when you become burned out, that's I think is is what happens, it happened to be quite a bit.

20:19 SPEAKER_03: It's what I took on too much, uh, just because it was exciting that a lot of it was because it was kind of cool to do. Uh but at the end of the day, even though it was cool to do and and all those and all the uh excitement that goes with it, at the end of the day, that wasn't someone else could do the job, someone else could really do that. And then what happened is I shifted focus from what was at what only the things that I could do. And so when I remembered that and got back into that space, I started getting my energy refreshed.

20:47 SPEAKER_03: And so for the folks that are out there, just remember do the things that you're only asked to do, or only you you can do, especially when it comes to professional life, personal life, a little bit different, and then uh refresh your energy because at some point you are gonna get burned out. If you just do too much, too much, too much, you just keep going, keep going, keep going, you're just gonna get burned out. That's all I understood. Doesn't matter how much energy you have, eventually just it will run out, and then you're just gonna uh go back into RBF and everybody's gonna think, oh my gosh, there we go.

21:13 SPEAKER_03: That person just ran out of energy, you know, tell that person go on vacation. And and uh and then don't and uh as I've heard, uh and I've told this to a lot of officers, I've told us to a lot of senior non-commission officers, you need to take leave and don't ever, and then while you're on leave, don't do any work. Uh I've heard commenters say that to folks too as well. It's like, I don't want to see you on email, I don't want to see you answer an email, and you need to take the time to be with your family and refresh well, and then get back into the fight.

21:40 SPEAKER_06: A lot of my seniors used to tell me that, especially when I was in um, you know, running the supply room. They would, you know, I'd go on leave and they'd be like, I don't want to see an email from you. I don't want to get a phone call. Enjoy your time off. And, you know, and and it it's hard. It's hard to turn that off, right? When when we're at that level in the go, go, go. But one thing for me personally that I have learned to do now in where I am in my life is to say no. And I'm okay with, you know, whatever the emotion is that comes afterwards because I've learned that I'm not in control for how the other person is with their emotions.

22:18 SPEAKER_06: And that's not for me to control. I'm only in control for myself. And if the answer's no, it's no. And then I just carry on to the next thing. And so, you know, and knowing that no is a complete sentence. Um, and you leave it at that, right? And so being able to kind of that mindset and that shift. And when you have that energy, honestly, like it, I feel like so many things are just so much easier at that point. Um, because it just kind of will just kind of fold itself out after after a little while.

22:50 SPEAKER_06: So now I I want to bring something kind of practical uh for the both of you. What are three non-negotiables that every person, military or civilian, needs to protect their energy? And TJ, I'll start with you.

23:05 SPEAKER_03: Yes, it's funny. Derek I would be talking about this so much. It's gonna be the same answer, just so you know. It's gonna be the exact same answer because this is where the military, and I would say the army got this one right. It's the nutritional triad. Sleep, fitness, and nutrition. It's like protect all three of those. Now, for me in my personal life right now, my protection is my mornings. So my mornings are for me. I get up in the morning, I walk my dog, I do my morning things. It's either uh I do my uh you know my my New York Times puzzles, uh, I do my um uh Duolingo for Spanish, and uh eventually once I'm done with that, tomorrow's done with it, I'll start Japanese just for fun, and then I work out in the morning.

23:47 SPEAKER_03: So from the time I get up, which I have a very specific time I go to bed, very specific time I wake up, and then get some breakfast. He gets out, you know, nice little walk, get my fitness, whatever it is, and then the afternoon after lunch, I go do the rest of the day. So I unless there's it's an appointment that I can only schedule in the morning because I mean it does happen from time to time, especially when it comes to medical, I get it. And some life events do happen, they can only be I get it, and I'll shift as I need to.

24:13 SPEAKER_03: Uh I'm not too crazy strict on that. But for the most for about 90% of my day or my my schedule, and then we talked about the things that were the non-negotiables in my mornings. Because they're for me, so I can get ready for the rest of the day, and then make sure my energy level is good for it. I can uh help everybody else out.

24:31 SPEAKER_02: I like that. I I like that as well. You know, I I'll add one additional thing. It's kind of funny. Uh we all know people who can't control themselves on social media, and they want to control things they can't control that are just outside their scope of reality. Like I know folks who wake up in the morning, first thing you do is they look at their phone, whatever social media account, and whether they're typing away on their phone, whatever platform they're using. By the time they get to where there's work, school, or the thing they've got to do, their energy level, let's say they had a good night's sleep, is at 100%, they're at work at 70%.

25:08 SPEAKER_02: And throughout the day they're getting drained because they're seeing stuff online and they can't control themselves. So some of it is a discipline issue. We tell, you know, Tom talks about be disciplined, thought, word, indeed, and we talk about fitness, triad. This is all about being disciplined. You know, whether it's whether you're a service member, some in the civilian sector, or some of the training, like having the discipline and wherewithal to understand that that that nutrient that you know, the nutritional triad, fitness, sleep, nutrition, those are all important.

25:36 SPEAKER_02: Like sleep for me, like it, you know, like like a lot of service members who who've done done things in you know combat or whatever it is been the army for service for a long time. Sometimes sleep is uh hard to come by. Right. And uh so now you gotta figure out ways to do it. And it's important to figure that out. I you know, so now I'm you know, I'm making sure I get seven hours of sleep. I turn the TV off and all my stuff off at least an hour before I go to bed. I'll read, I'll do these things.

26:01 SPEAKER_02: Find things. So you gotta be disciplined in that. And again, it goes back to having an accountability buddy. Whoever that is, find somebody. This is one of the most important things you can do.

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26:12 SPEAKER_06: Oh, I love that. Thanks, guys. Yeah, for me, you know, one of the things I I talk about and when I'm out on my keynotes or, you know, I have, you know, events and things like that is owning that first hour of your day and how important that first hour is. The same thing for me, my my non-negotiables in the morning. I was introduced to personal development, um, and just really taking that time to just listen to my personal development, um, do my prayer, get in my journal, write whatever the thoughts are.

26:40 SPEAKER_06: Um, at nighttime, you know, just just like you said, Derek, being in the military for as long as we have been, um, sleep has been something that I still struggle with. Um, I got so programmed to get four, four and a half hours of sleep.

(Cont.) 038: Navigating Military Transition | Regain Structure & Identity

26:53 SPEAKER_06: Um, and I can perform just great off of it. So forcing myself to sometimes get six to seven hours I can struggle with from time to time. Um, and really making that a conscious decision that, hey, let me go ahead and tonight, let me get seven hours and aim for that. So, you know, my our brains are always going, there's always something, right? I'm a single mom. So, you know, my son depends on everything. I'm the I'm the lifeline. Um, so what I do at night is, you know, as I'm winding down, I'm just writing everything that I'm thinking about, my to-dos, what I haven't done.

27:25 SPEAKER_06: And so I'm able to get that out um on paper so that eases my mind and then I'm able to get whatever, whatever it is. I don't force myself if it is five hours and I get up, then that's what it is. Um, but then I make sure that my morning time is mine, my personal development, my prayer, my journal, my workout. And then I get in um and I I don't touch my phone. Um, I have my iPad that will get on for my personal development, but my actual cell phone I don't touch. Um, and then I also turn my do not disturb so that it's just my immediate family, you know, if my mom and dad were to call or my best friend, you know, or you know, whoever I have listed in in my phone for those emergencies, those are the only ones that are coming through.

28:14 SPEAKER_06: Um and it's amazing because then when I turn my phone like on, you know, to get with the team and all the things, and it's like 103 notifications, everything coming in on Slack, Instagram and you know, LinkedIn, and I'm like, but you know, I used to get so overwhelmed. And now I'm just like, this is fun, you know. So being able to kind of shift again the mindset to that.

28:35 SPEAKER_02: Um like the do not disturb thing. Because I I do that, and what I found is I used to tie it to when I woke up, but then when I realized when the alarm went off, and all of a sudden, all these things came in like, oh my God. So now I do it for an hour after I get up. That's when everything starts coming in. Because, like you said, you got to give time for you.

28:54 SPEAKER_06: Yes, yes. Um, so we also I'm gonna segment here into um my listeners. I I want everyone listening right now to do something with me. Don't skip this. Ask yourself this question honestly. Do I actually have a discipline problem or do I have an energy problem? Because if you're exhausted, overwhelmed, mentally drained, you're not lazy, you're depleted.

29:27 SPEAKER_06: So, this is a topic that I absolutely love. Um, and it was in drained in me, just drilled for years and years and years being in the military, resilience. So let's talk about resilience, but not the Instagram version, not the highlight reel, the quiet version. Derek, what's harder leading in high pressure environments or leading your life after service?

29:58 SPEAKER_02: For sure the latter. Leading life after service. And you know, and I'll give some some uh and I'll give some uh things that I'm doing to help out with that, but leading under a higher pressure environment is we have been drilled and trained and trained and trained on executing tasks, missions, objectives, you name whatever that is, as a part of an organization and a team under super like the highest, most complex uh environments that you know only less than one percent of uh Americans will ever face, right?

30:35 SPEAKER_02: And and so but we do that as a team, and it goes back to core values, all about the team. No one is more important than the team, and we do that, and that makes it and then you're around people, even though you may not be around your family, family, with your army family, your service family, and that that helps leading life after services because it's just like it's you and your family, which is great, but all those that like Tom said, your network, your teammates, those folks, they're not always there.

31:01 SPEAKER_02: You're not gonna see them every day like you do now. And so what I've found is through this process, the transition process, there's a lot of great resources out there to help out. Like the the transition assistance program, TEP, you know, soldier for life program. People like to give a lib service. I think it's valuable. I've used a lot of those services, and uh it's absolutely so it's absolutely amazing. The retirement services folks, the VA folks. Um, what out of this uh this transitional process, I got uh was fortunate enough to get linked up with this uh group called the Commit Foundation, where they really helped me look at and provide resources on ways to find purpose, what you want to do in your life.

31:44 SPEAKER_02: And one of the things, if you don't mind, just real quick, is I got this book from them, not from them, I bought it, designing your life. It's from all age groups coming out of high school, college, well, buddy duddies like me who are getting out of the service after almost 30 years. And like there's things that are like, well, if you had resource-free and you could do whatever, what would you want to be? Oh, you know, okay. You know, but I mean it's it's a great way to really see what you want to do and not just do the things to like not take off the green suit and put on this another suit and do the same thing.

32:12 SPEAKER_02: Because not all of us want to do that. So I think the biggest thing is find the resources. Services have them, especially the army. We've got great resources, and finding those little nuggets has been supremely helpful over the past several months working through this process.

32:30 SPEAKER_06: And I have to say, I think the Army has done a much better job over the years since I retired to see that transition and really helping the service members with those resources, making them a little bit more available, going a little bit deeper into what those resources are. I mean, they were there when I got out, but I feel like there's more in depth in the understanding of what those resources are now, with those transitioning out now than when I transitioned out six years ago. Um, and so I I uh Derek, I want you to go here with me also.

33:05 SPEAKER_06: What mental battles don't get talked about enough?

33:10 SPEAKER_02: Uh so I, you know, uh a lot, actually. You know, we are again for those who've been in the service for a while, we we've done a lot of things, you know, most of us deployed a couple, three times. So I think talking about that, one one of the challenges that the folks have transitioned out of services, unless you you join like a veterans group, there's really no veteran around you oftentimes. And so who do you reach out to? I mean, it's social media and you can talk to your friends on the phone, but oftentimes that face-to-face contact, that that human-to-human interaction is is where it's at.

33:45 SPEAKER_02: The other thing is like traumatic brain injury, and and and I'll I'll turn over to Tom for this because he's he's gone through a lot of this recently. I thought it was really great, and he's got a great story to tell about that. But like I'm getting a TBI assessment here next week-ish, two weeks from now. Uh, it's something I've been putting off for a long time because we've done these things, and you're like Tom said, out oftentimes we tell people to do stuff, especially senior leaders, but then we don't do it because we we're too busy, right?

34:13 SPEAKER_02: We've got things to do, or you know, pride cometh before the fall. We you know, you just gotta check your pride at the door. It's like going to the gym. Always something stronger and faster. Yeah, check that pride at the door, and uh so I'm checking my pride. Uh it's been uh you know, it's better late than never. It's been too long uh in the making, but uh yeah, I I I think those things really we don't talk about it enough, and we absolutely need to. And I think Tom's got a probably a better story to tell about that.

34:41 SPEAKER_02: So, Tom, if you don't mind, I think you got a great one.

34:45 SPEAKER_03: Uh just on um what we don't talk about in the metal battle. Yeah, yeah. Uh so I mean obviously we'll talk about it later. I mean, obviously, I I did a thing, I wrote a book, got it published, all the all the crazy things that go with it. Uh the impetus behind it, we'll talk a little bit about that later on, I think, in our discussion. That uh uh but I mean at one point in time in my life I was at the bottom. I didn't think I had too many options left. I mean, I was staring at a uh pistol with two loaded magazines right next to it, never ever, uh you know, I didn't put it in the I didn't put it in the weapon or anything, but I just contemplating life on what options do I have in my life and you know as an E9 at the time and a lot was going on in my life.

35:22 SPEAKER_03: I was still deploying, still doing a bunch of stuff. This is before I uh got out of the uh out of my the unit I was in. And uh so yeah, it was tough. And then I didn't talk about to anybody. I called a friend of mine up and I said, Hey man, you still want this pistol? And you know, because he was he was doing match shooting, he did a stock uh pistol. He's like, Yeah, I'll come right over and get it. He knew what it was for, he knew why I was asking a question. Uh but he never we never really talked about it, but he knew what he was doing, so he came over, and by the time he was over here, the pistol was really locked up, all the magazines were emptied, all the bullets were back where they were supposed to be and everything, and came a gun and said, Thanks a lot.

35:55 SPEAKER_03: He's like, Hey man, that's what we do for each other. That's right. Thanks for the pistol. Right now, I was like, uh I really appreciate it. And then I I didn't talk about that story for that's probably the second or third time I've ever told this story. And I think the first time really I told him about it when I was on uh a recent interview. And uh so when I tell people I said, Hey, you know, uh when you talk about my reforged journey, you know, it's a hard path. Uh but the the tough one is leaders need to talk more about the struggles they have.

36:21 SPEAKER_03: You don't have to go over all the crazy details, and frankly, probably don't need to, but you can talk about hey up. A lot of folks look up to obviously a lot of the people, the mentors, and all that something, oh, they've got a perfect life. No, man, we're struggling just like everybody else is. Uh our struggles may be different, it may be at a different perspective depending on where we are in our lives, without a doubt. Uh, but we just like everybody else, we're trying to make it better for we're trying to make life better for our children and our families.

36:48 SPEAKER_03: Uh, but we're still struggling. And uh so if we can connect our stories to others and help people walk their path, and yeah, at the end of the day, it's uh that's what I think fundamental issue is just we just gotta be able to share our stories, be comfortable about it. But again, it's tough to do it while you're in the military. I haven't obviously just been it just retired after almost 33 years. It's it's easy to say now, it was very difficult to do then. And so if everybody's out there that's listening, is this at the end of the day, uh tell your story.

37:14 SPEAKER_03: Be comfortable and tell your story because not only are you gonna help yourself out in the telling of the story and a reminder, what we still need to do is it'll it'll help someone set foot, you know, step on their path and keep going.

37:25 SPEAKER_06: Yes, and I'm again, I want to kind of add this to with with you saying that, you know, one of the main reasons why I created the Warriors Haven podcast um is to bring guests like you guys on, veterans, military, um, because this is such a very sensitive topic, especially for me. Um, but I want to share that the words um and let people know that are in, have been in, are transitioning out, have been out for a while, you know, that these are things wherever you are in the world, wherever you're listening to the podcast on, to know that there are people just like you that are have been through it, going through it.

38:02 SPEAKER_06: Um, but we have been able to identify resources and tools. And so the whole making of the podcast is to provide someone, whoever's listening, to know that, you know, if you're listening at this moment, that there are people that you can reach out to and just know that some of us are very similar to you, you're not very different, walking that path as well, and that there are people that really do care and want to see you on the other side. Um, so I again I want to thank you guys for joining me today on this podcast and covering this episode on transition, on resiliency, on energy.

38:35 SPEAKER_06: Um, and uh TJ, I'm gonna go back to you. You've built warriors, um, but what happens when those warriors go home and they lose structure? Can you talk to us about that just a little bit?

38:49 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, are we talking, yeah. So uh are we talking about going home as like the end of the day or going home as they transition into their next chapter of life? Because that'll be two different answers.

38:59 SPEAKER_06: Yeah, as they transition out, going, you know, whether they're going back home, home, wherever home of record is, um, or you know, they're picking up starting somewhere else, they have that DD 214 in their hands.

39:09 SPEAKER_03: Okay, yeah. It's an opportunity. Like, not only transition your life, transform your life. As Derek hinted at this earlier, a lot of folks I and I and I talk to a lot of people still, and I'm a I'm a mentor for the nominative transition course down in uh in Livenworth. I'll be down there in August. I know a lot of people who are gonna start terminal leave and go right into a job. Like, what are you doing? Or they'll sell their leave, which is a waste of money. You're waiting just a waste of you're just wasting your pissing your money away.

39:39 SPEAKER_03: Um and your time. Take your time. The army is still paying you your full amount. Your base pay, all the other stuff at the end of the day. So take the time to be with your family, reconnect with your family. Just do the things you want to do for that whatever that time is, and either get back in the workforce or like I did, I just retire. Not just retire, but I mean, um, I'm living the trophy husband life now. I mean, I've obviously done a lot of stuff. And so what I see a lot of times though is people just jump into another workforce, they change and a lot of times it's right into a government job, and it's because it's what we're used to and what we're comfortable with.

40:15 SPEAKER_03: And and again, a lot of people have uh different life factors that go with it, so I can understand that. But then take the time to transition. Take those I mean, you're already getting paid a certain amount, you're still gonna get it paid a certain amount of money while you uh when you're into that that that transitional period, especially when it comes to turn to leave. So you know, fact that it in in time is worth a lot. So time's worth a lot more than you think it is. Um that's where I see a lot of people struggle.

40:42 SPEAKER_03: And then when you do when you do come out of the army, as we're coming out of the army, like we talked about before, is let that anchor go. Drop it.

40:49 SPEAKER_02: That's right.

40:50 SPEAKER_03: Learn who you are. It's a great opportunity. We're gonna grow up, we're gonna become adults, right? Because you know, when you you you join the army, you just kind of a forever kid. I know we do a lot of adult things, especially when we're deployed, I've been deployed nine uh nine combat deployments, so we did a lot of adult things, right? And I get that it changes your life, and I'm not to just you know demean that or disparage that or whatever, but you know, uh, we're gonna come out and be responsible adults.

41:14 SPEAKER_03: This is a big joke, right? Um, managing my dog's energy right now. Yeah, so we get this great opportunity to just to to do something different, right? And that's why, and Derek said it in I'll say it to you everybody go out and do something different, take a leap of faith, try something you've wanted to do. That's right. You know what I did, or I had time to do it wasn't in the military, or because of pick a different reason. I'm gonna go with XYZ because Derek loves that that that uh phrase from me.

41:37 SPEAKER_02: Yada yada yada XYZ.

41:39 SPEAKER_03: Right. So you get all these opportunities and take it. If you don't like it, that's it. The greatest thing is you can just go do something else, right? Because we would be in a gas station. That's why I say the grass is green on the other side. So I see a lot of people struggle that way because they don't take the time for themselves.

41:55 SPEAKER_02: That's right.

41:56 SPEAKER_03: Not just to prepare themselves, but to enjoy the time that we are now given. And then try something completely different. That's why I see folks struggle quite a bit.

42:07 SPEAKER_06: Oh, I love that. Yeah, I have Battle Buddies that DD 214 in hand, and you know, 48 hours later, they're in a truck, they're now a truck driver driving across country, and it was like, where was the time off? You know, and and we all, you know, we all decompress and we all, you know, deal with how we want to deal with transition and things very differently. I know for me, when I transitioned out, I was like, I'm on a long extended leave, and I just stayed in that mindset for over a year, and then my depression and anxiety kicked in, you know, and so a similar, you know, situation.

42:40 SPEAKER_06: Um, I didn't have my nine mil, you know, glocked and ready to go, but I had written a suicide note that I had put in my notebook um and I just had it there. Um, and then, you know, I went on to Target and had a whole episode. And then that's where I realized I need to reach out for mental health. Um, so you know, it was that turning point in my life, you know. So just like you guys both have said throughout this episode, you know, we we have been through so much, and so many people kind of look at the life on social media or they follow some part of our story, but they don't really know a lot of the underlying things that we have been through.

43:18 SPEAKER_06: And yet again, why I made the podcast and I have it, you know, to hit worldwide because there's so many things that make us who we are, what they get to see now because of what we have had to overcome. So um, TJ saying with you, what's the first crack you see when someone starts losing resiliency?

43:41 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, their armor. Well, in fact, I have an award-winning poem, and it's actually about uh it's armored and breaking. And we keep putting armor on. In fact, I you you heard about this at the author's summit. You we just keep putting more and more of this armor on, and then eventually it just becomes so heavy it starts to break, starts to crack, and all the little things start coming. Coming out, we are angry, we're agitated, we we sometimes we even though the armor is breaking, we still become more closed off because the armor is coming and shedding, and we're trying to figure out what is going on.

44:11 SPEAKER_03: All that you know, we we thought we could carry all this by ourselves, and we're not we're not doing that any longer. So then we close off from the rest of the world, we start pulling back from folks as we're trying to figure out what is going on internally with our own lives. I see that quite a bit. I experienced it obviously. I spent seven or actually a total of ten weeks at a traumatic brain injury down at the polytrauma center in Tampa to help reform my reforged path. So uh from a guy who's walked this path, whose armor is broke, and it broke pretty pretty pretty hard, and then uh especially one day in 2012.

44:44 SPEAKER_03: But the uh that that is what I see is that when the armor starts breaking and cracking, as all these little things start coming that we were trying to hide, and we think people don't notice it, but they do. And then it takes a uh a very courageous individual or individuals to come out and say, Hey, um your armor's breaking, it's cracking, and we're here to support you, not pander, which has been great. Don't pander to somebody, but you gotta tell them the truth. There's a kind way to do it, and sometimes when kindness doesn't work, you just gotta go right to the face and say, Time to change, or we're cutting slings.

45:15 SPEAKER_03: So uh it has come down to that for me. And then uh I got the ultimatum by my wife and my daughter, and uh that put me on my path very quickly.

45:25 SPEAKER_06: Oh, yeah, yeah, especially when it comes for the ones that we really do love. That's right, and they come to us at that point. It's like, oh yes, I 100% agree. Now I'm gonna ask the both of you something deeper, and I want you both to answer this honestly, not as leaders, but as men. Have you ever had a moment after everything you guys have accomplished where you questioned who you were? Derek, I'll start with you.

45:53 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you know, uh, this is a great and tough question all at the same time. Because uh I have had moments where I've had what I uh imposter syndrome. Like, how did I get here? Am I the am I the person that's supposed to do this? I think and I'm not gonna say I think I know most great leaders, I'm not saying I'm a great leader, by the way, by stretch imagination. I'm just saying most folks who continue to to rise and do these things that we've done, you that pops up in your head every so often. It's like, how did I get here?

46:27 SPEAKER_02: Like, what what have I done that that my peers haven't done? Maybe I got lucky, maybe I just you know something happened. I just got really lucky. Uh I think that's the one thing that I that that Tom and I have talked about we struggle with is the imposter syndrome. Like, how do we get here? But you know, you know, you don't always need affirmation in your life. It's always good. You know, it's good to get it, you know. Uh but I think it goes back to having family and friends. We're like, hey, did I am I here because I made it here with everybody and teamwork, everybody bringing you along, or did I get lucky?

47:02 SPEAKER_02: Or am I having an imposter syndrome? I think that is the the biggest challenge mentally. The more the higher we go in whatever career field or you name it, you realize that you know you are there for a reason and you will have doubts, and that's okay. Again, like having a doubt is fine. Uh now leaning into that doubt, uh, and then having that doubt own who you are, that's where the challenges truly become. Uh and so I think that's the big one is did I have imposter syndrome? Sure, a lot of us do.

47:39 SPEAKER_02: But then you gotta push through that. Like, no, we got here because of a team, we got here because of all the folks we've learned we've that helped us along the way, that we've helped along the way, the learning experiences we've had. All of those lead to the things that we've done. So it's truly not an imposter syndrome, but it's okay to doubt yourself. Because I think if we don't, we become narcissistic. Like I'm here because I'm great. Are you? You know, I I I say that, and this is gonna sound uh kind of funny, and it is, and it's meant to be, but it's also meant to be serious.

48:11 SPEAKER_02: And Tom, you you you know I say this all the time uh when I talk with we talk leadership is if you can't identify the asshole in the room, it's probably you, right? And and oftentimes it's the folks that uh that are narcissistic that like I'm here because I'm better than everybody. I mean, competition breeds excellence, but it only does that through teamwork and hard work and dedication, not being narcissistic and a and a show off. Uh and so I think that's where we look at doubt and we see ourselves often.

48:40 SPEAKER_02: But pushing past that is a big challenge.

48:45 SPEAKER_06: TJ, same question. Uh, have you ever had a moment after everything you've accomplished where you questioned who you were?

48:54 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so I uh I wrote a poem called uh Hope at Hope at Dawn, Ode to the Hope at Dawn, and uh it was after a very long mission, my buddy and I got called out for. Uh so we spent about six weeks in the Nerastani Valley, uh 10,000 feet to the valley floor, and we're up around 12,013,000 feet on the ridge line. And at the end of the mission, uh pretty significant got what we needed to do, a very very significant operation at the end. And we're still up on the uh mountain ridge, and uh dawn is breaking.

49:25 SPEAKER_03: And when I look to the west, I just see our swath of destruction. And when I look to the east, I see pristine snow, pristine mountains, everything's just clean and beautiful. And I look to the right, to the west, and I see just a swath, and I say, Who am I really this person to the right? Am I really this man who uh was called to do, you know, uh asked to do what my nation needs us to do? And I definitely did it, did it actually pretty did it fairly well, especially that night. Um but it's just a person who I really am.

49:54 SPEAKER_03: Am I the person who's gonna just bring destruction? Fig figuratively could be you know, obviously this one was uh literal, uh, but figuratively, am I gonna be that person who's gonna just bring wrath down upon people? Is that what I want to be? Is I want to be one is that who I want to be known as? And this is at the time I was having a lot of troubles and a lot of issues. I I lost my smile. That's my number one smile. The world smiles with I lost that, and I wasn't that person then, and then uh when I looked to the east, I saw this glistening snow and just a brand new day.

50:26 SPEAKER_03: I said, How can I get to that person? How can I become that person again? Or at least some similar to that person again, or how do I how do I walk that path that way? So for me, it was two different things. Am I gonna continue to go on the path of destruction, self-destruction, or can I reforge myself into a a new and better person, a stronger person? So um uh for me, that's that was my wouldn't say it's my turning point, but it was as I look back on all the things I've done in my life and all my memories, that's really stands out in my mind as a very significant time and a turning point in my life as I again, all these things were coming to a head, and uh I had to make a decision.

51:06 SPEAKER_03: And I'm I think I made the right one. I know I made the right one, which is I I look to the east and uh we'll see the shining, shining sun and the glistening snow. And that's that's the path I want to stay on.

51:16 SPEAKER_06: Oh, I love that. So we're gonna segue into uh uh this this section here, which which is another um topic I I do like talking about because it was one of the ones I had to really adapt um through my transitioning periods as well, which was my mindset um and a mindset shift. Um, and so I I want to reframe reframe it because what what I'm hearing and what I know is this discipline doesn't disappear, direction does. So let me ask you both. What mindset shift saved you during transition? TJ, I'll start with you.

51:54 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so my uh my job, I am a trophy husband. That is my job. I am uh I'm the spouse of the group. Uh in fact, I wrote an article specifically about this for on LinkedIn. I transitioned out of the army, all the things that I did, all the accolades, all the struggles, everything gone. It's all gone. Now my new role is not as a command sergeant major, not as a nominative command, not a soldier, none of that. I am a husband. And so when I go to these different functions with Joanne, my wife, she is introduced obviously as the strategic command, as a combatant command, command sergeant major, and then her husband.

52:34 SPEAKER_03: Uh and that's and that's me. So uh right, and it actually took me a little bit because I was like, well, you know, we were both E9s not too long ago, and now I I am not an E9. I'm retired, I get it, but I'm not an active duty E9, not an active duty soldier anymore. So what am I? So what did I shift? I leaned heavily on my four life and leader principles, and I realized they're still they're still valid. I just use them to I use them in the same way, but just for a different, I wouldn't say mindset, but just a different role in my life.

53:07 SPEAKER_03: And that role is not only to be a trophy husband, a dad for my daughter, and then as an author, that's someone who can inspire others to walk their path or a reforged journey. So when I shifted that mindset, or I shifted my yeah, I guess I shifted my focus to now, not worrying about, oh, here are the things I used to do in the past. Again, we talk about the anchor. I was like, let me drop that fast. If I drop that, or if I don't drop it, it's gonna keep going, keep going. And it'd be frustrating for my wife or for me, especially when we're together and I'm no longer an E9.

53:39 SPEAKER_03: This is her role. My role is to be TJ Baird, trophy husband, father, author, speaker, all the other things that come with it. And so now I'm tying myself to all my intrinsic core values and all my goals that I want to accomplish as a new person, as my new chapters in life. And so we kind of all these things that we talked about in this uh podcast interview today is is is what led me to where I am today is this new chapter and all the new chapters that are come with it. And so I just I'm excited and and and I and I lean heavily on those on those four life principles to ensure I made that transformation in the way I wanted to do it.

54:19 SPEAKER_06: Oh yes, and I your story is just amazing, and your wife is a whole badass. So, you know, I think she's great, yeah. So, you know, I know her listening to the episode when it when it does air, um, you know, just to give her her kudos as well, because she's phenomenal and a great so you know her flaw though, right?

54:38 SPEAKER_03: You know what her only flaw is, right?

54:40 SPEAKER_06: No such thing, yeah.

54:41 SPEAKER_03: Oh no, no, no. She's very down. She's very down. She's the way up junkyard. I'm gonna get that old crusty guy right there too. She's still working on it. She's still she's still trying to get me in the polish that turn.

54:59 SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you can't polish that turd right there.

55:01 SPEAKER_06: Oh no.

55:04 SPEAKER_06: Derek, you're in transitioning out now from the army. We're just so great, grateful and blessed to have you right out here, out here in uh Fort Sill, Oklahoma, and having been the garrison commander for Fort Sill and the amazing work that you did um for the installation. Probably one of the best command teams I had ever seen. And I just a little jealous because y'all weren't mine. Um but it's okay. It's all right. These soldiers got it, and that's it.

55:32 SPEAKER_02: This is recorded for posterity. I'd love to do it.

55:34 SPEAKER_06: It is, it is, it is. Um, but what what has been your mindset shift during this transition that you're going through right now actively?

55:42 SPEAKER_02: I have three words transformation, transformation, transformation, right? I I did talk very similar. Like I did something on LinkedIn, right? Talked about that where uh I wanted to do something completely different. You know, again, work with the Commit Foundation. There's just two lovely ladies, there's two British ladies who used to work with the the TAP, uh, the Transition Assessment Assistance Program. Someone linked me up with them as well. And so with these different resources, what I've found is I love to coach and I really like coaching leadership.

56:18 SPEAKER_02: And uh this goes back to when I was a young kid in college. I was a bonner scholar, which meant I had to go do volunteer work. And we did an at-risk youth uh volunteer by Big Brother, Big Sister. When I was in Savannah, Georgia in 2011 to 15. I worked with this great group uh called Performance Initiatives that did a life coaching and mentoring for at-risk youth, all the way up to adults. So that included um mentoring and uh academic, yeah, academic mentoring, tutoring, leadership, life lessons, and then uh Olympic lifting, which is really great.

56:51 SPEAKER_02: So I got certified to do that to coach to coach folks. I say that because that is what's helped me and set set my mindset right for the future, is the whole transformation piece, is not relying on, well not saying not doing the thing that I just came from, not doing uh maybe their municipal set or selling something back to the army or being a DA civilian, all those things, great, great for people that want to do that. That is absolutely fantastic, and I applaud you for it. Uh but much like Tom uh said earlier, is I wanted to do try something I've always wanted to try is coach leadership.

57:28 SPEAKER_02: You know, at uh the National Training Center, I was an observer controller for uh twice, once after battery command and then after uh battalion command, so for two years of uh each. And uh and I was uh I did some advising for some uh senior level uh leaders in NATO as a as a fires guy, and and we switched from peace and stability to more returns and conflict oriented, and what does that look like? And it was kind of I got to help out a lot with that. Um so I found is that that coaching is great.

57:58 SPEAKER_02: I love it. Got the passion for it, got you talk about energy. I love it. Uh, and so transformation, transformation, transformation. That's my mantra, you know, continue to be my mantra, not just uh through this period, but once I get out and continue on that on that glide path. And so it's been helpful and having again having a network, having a team, having friends that helped along the way, it's been super impactful.

58:24 SPEAKER_06: Oh, yes, yes. TJ, um, I'm I'm gonna go ahead and shift to you real quick and ask you what would you say to someone right now who feels lost? And if someone feels like they're starting over, what do they need to hear today?

58:45 SPEAKER_03: Wow. Uh that's that's a good one. I would say um internal words of affirmation. So there's uh I do my morning meditation, and meta meditation is great because they're about words of affirmation for not only ourselves but for others. I think that is the hardest part for us, specifically as individuals, is words of affirmation for ourselves. And so I've made that part of my daily routine is the meta meditation. Uh it's been great, and it's uh tough sometimes because I think, oh, why am I uh giving myself words of affirmation?

59:25 SPEAKER_03: That was very hard for me to do in the very, very beginning when I started my journey. It's much easier now. And so for the for the men and women that are out there, uh, pick your favorite meditation program, whatever it is, or try to find, or find one if you haven't done it. Meta meditation is fantastic, M-E-T-A. And it really talks about how can I be happy with who I am as an individual. Because we all have come from different walks of life, we all have different life experiences, we're all walking different paths.

59:52 SPEAKER_03: Uh, but the build the ability to say, hey, I am just a good person, and and and what I'm doing in life is is good. Uh, and that's that's been helping me out quite a bit. So I just read you know, for anybody who's out there, it's like it goes even through it doesn't have to be a crucible, it doesn't have to be a hardship, it doesn't have to be you can have been having just a fantastic day. Even then, it's still great to say, you know what? Yeah, I'm a pretty good person. Like I, you know, I helped somebody, I did this, I did that, whatever it is.

1:00:18 SPEAKER_03: And then and uh and then uh but the hard part is is uh it is not being egotistical. You know, it's it is just telling yourself, like, yes, I am a good person. That actually took me a long time. A lot of veterans have issues with, especially a lot of things that we've done and we've seen when we're overseas in deployment specific combat appoints, is am I still a good person? The answer to that is yes, you are still a good person. You did the job that was asked of you and you did it well. And so that that meta meditation and those words of affirmation, especially for yourself, is phenomenal.

1:00:52 SPEAKER_02: Like Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live, Michael Jordan is always great. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, but gosh darn if people like me.

1:01:01 SPEAKER_06: I love it, I love it. This recording for this episode has been very special. Um, it really has. I think we've hit a lot of topics of conversation that kind of don't get talked about. You know, we just kind of a lot of us kind of go through on a mundane day. We wake up, if we got to go to work, we go to work, we gotta take care of the kids, we gotta cook, we got to clean, we got to do all these things. And as veterans, we kind of shove a lot of things under the rug. Um, because, like you said, TJ, that armor, right?

1:01:33 SPEAKER_06: So not only have I had so much fun with this entire production to create the episode and bring you guys on, but I'm gonna segue and pivot into this conversation, which is probably my favorite. Um, not that what we haven't talked about hasn't been fun and very educational, I feel, and informative for those going through transition, whether it's military or civilian. Um but because leadership doesn't stop when the uniform comes off. Um, it evolves. And I really truly believe that. Um, and so I want to talk about why this next part matters.

1:02:14 SPEAKER_06: Um, sorry, Major TJ, you inspired um the writing of the warrior dad. What inspired you to write that?

1:02:26 SPEAKER_03: My daughter. So I got this little dude right here, Cool Bear. She gave it to him on my last deployment. So, Dad, you gotta take him. So I did, and I started just writing a bunch of little uh poems and for her just to show about daily life. And I was my last deployment, and then he eventually made it into my memories, watching us do all the things that I did over my other deployments, and then some of those contextually were not for children. I have a children's book that's gonna come out here shortly.

1:02:53 SPEAKER_03: Uh, but then I said, you know what, I really need to start writing about my memories. And I realized I think if I go with this book called Warrior Dead, I can write it for my daughter, who's a young lady now in her 20s, and uh able to understand more of the writings inside there. So uh, and it was all for her. It was to let her know that uh her light shielded me through the darkest times and helped light the path in front of me so I could get reforged. So uh it is all to her. This entire book is specifically for her, and then so I can continue to reconnect and and uh share my life story with her because it's been a long time in coming because she doesn't know much of what I did in my military career, because I kept a lot of it hidden from her.

1:03:35 SPEAKER_06: Yeah. I can I can uh completely relate to that when it comes to my son as well. There's there's a lot that I mean, he's 10, um, but he when he gets older, um, I'll be able to share with him that he'll be able to understand. But for now, he just he just knows mom wore the uniform. Mom was a drill sergeant. Um and he thought, you know, in his mind, it's the coolest thing ever, because when people, you know, meet and we talk, and then they, you know, their reaction to me being a former drill to him now, he you know, understands that as like that was really cool.

1:04:06 SPEAKER_06: Not understanding everything that encompassed all of that when he was little. Um, but what does being a warrior dad actually mean in today's world? Can you share a little bit, explain that to us?

1:04:19 SPEAKER_03: I sure can. So I'll go back a few years while I was still in the still in the service. Uh I was a single father, so geographic batch, geographical bachelor. Uh uh, and and uh so I had Veronica with me. And we were expecting to go to uh, or I was expecting to go to uh a summer series concert. So I got out of work early. I said, hey, I'm leaving. My daughter and I have this plan, we're going, bam, I get to the house. I walk in and she's just nothing but tears. I was like, okay. So the first thing that comes out of it, because whatever what does every dad do?

1:04:48 SPEAKER_03: I'm like, all right, what boy am I gonna put in the ground? No, dad's not that with me. You sure? Because I buried bodies in the desert. I'll go do it again if you miss it. No, dad's not that, no, no, no. So she's like, calm down, pop, calm down. Okay, so what's the issue? She's like, I can't do this math problem. Like, come again. It's like this, right? Trinomials. If you don't know what trinomials, look it up. So I haven't done math in that kind of math since I don't know 38 years ago. Right. She's in a room, she's balling her eyes, she has academic uh validation, that's her thing.

1:05:19 SPEAKER_03: So it's a deal dad, academic validation is my thing, and uh, and I love it. I love that about her. So I was like, okay, let me see the issue. So we I I got the I got a computer, I got my laptop next to it. I'm doing some research on YouTube, doing all these crazy things. I and eventually, like 20, 30 minutes later, I was like, Vertica, I think I got the answer. And then way off in their bedroom, no way, you're not that smart. I'm like, child, come on. So I was like, why don't you come on out here?

1:05:46 SPEAKER_03: So she set sits down on and and I said, I think I got it. So we went through it all. She's like, You gotta be kidding me. I said, No. So we spent the uh we didn't go to the summer concert, we sat there at the dining room table for two and a half. Hours doing her homework, and like there was only like maybe five or six questions. But if you actually done it, the hers look like several pages long to finish. Yeah, once we got done with the second one, she started ripping them out. She's like, Oh my god, then she's like, and then it clicked in her head.

1:06:16 SPEAKER_03: And so I'm over here on the struggle bus still, and she's been writing on like the last one. She's like, Dad, you gotta catch up. Like, child, I I I started you on your path. You can at least wait for me, you know? Come on. And uh, so we talk about being a warrior at home. It's being present. That's the big one. Uh, being present where you are, because there's no such thing as work-life balance, it's that's a misnomer. There's a harmony, it's a symphony of life. Yes. A friend of mine uh wrote about that or got an interview recently for a recent news article, and he talked about that.

1:06:46 SPEAKER_03: I told him I was totally going to use it because I always talk about the harmony of life and the symphony and how you bring it all together. And so, how are we present at home? How are we present wherever we are? Are we present at work? We're present at home, we're present when I walk my dog, go to the dog park with macaroni, he's here behind me. Am I present with him? Am I present with my daughter? Am I found or I'm on my phone, or am I distracted with something different? Uh, so being a warrior at home is being that present figure for wherever you are in life, wherever that situation is, are you a warrior at that point in time?

1:07:20 SPEAKER_03: That's for me, is what being a warrior is it's different for every situation. Uh, but at the end of the day, it's about being present and being yourself in the in the presence of and it can just be with it, could be individually. I could be present with myself when I talk about what we talked about earlier with with working out and all the things that we all do and all the spouse and and champion. So uh that's what it's all about for me is being that present person, and at the end of the day, that's that's your warrior.

1:07:48 SPEAKER_06: Awesome. Maybe that might be the same answer to this next question. Let's see. Okay, I'm a single mom. So, what is one lesson from the book that every parent needs to hear?

1:07:59 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, be connected, share your story. That's what it's all about. I'm sharing my life story, not only with my daughter, it's crazy enough. I'm sharing it with the world. And I did it, uh, and I wrote it and I created those illustrations specifically for people to see themselves when they read it. And they read it for their family, they read it to their kids as oh, mom was here, dad was here. Let me tell you, I'm reading the stories, let me tell you what dad or mom was doing. And while we're doing that, we're thinking about you.

1:08:28 SPEAKER_03: And so for you and for everybody who's got kids or grandkids, nieces, nephew, whatever it is, uh, and I think Derek does a lot of uh coaching with the young kids and young adults and everything, is share your story, connect your story with others, and then from that connection, we're gonna build a relationship, we're gonna inspire others so that they can walk their path and they know that they're that you are will be there with them. You may not always physically be there, but they know they've got a warrior that's cheering them on.

1:08:56 SPEAKER_03: It could be from afar, or it could be literally right next to them. And that's what it means for this book for being a mom, a dad, or whatever it is, husband, wife, whatever, a partner, whatever that is in life. Uh, share the story, connect, and inspire.

1:09:09 SPEAKER_06: I love that. Okay. Derek, I want you to finish this sentence. And you're you're going through um this transition now out of the military. You're on this journey with your twin brother. So the ones that are listening, that will the audio will go up and aren't gonna, you know, see uh the video. Um you guys are twins. Um, if they haven't been able, the ones watching the video, you guys. I hope you guys were able to figure that out 30 seconds in once the recording started. Um, but you're on this journey, and TJ has has written his book, and you know, you're out on the tour, and and being able to kind of tag along here and there when you can.

1:09:45 SPEAKER_06: What is a warrior at home? Um, and in your words, a warrior at home is someone who is present.

1:09:55 SPEAKER_02: It's the same what Tom says is someone who's present for themselves, for their family, for their friends, for their network, and someone who is willing to sacrifice for those folks. I think that's the big one. We talk about warriors. We we sacrifice a lot. We sacrifice our time, we sacrifice our energy, we sacrifice a lot and sometimes that last school measure of devotion, right? We sacrifice a lot of things to make our country safe, to do all the things that we want to do uh to as warriors. And it's the same thing at home.

1:10:32 SPEAKER_02: Sometimes you gotta sacrifice what you personally want to do for your family, their time, your friends, their time, whatever that looks like. Um, and so I think that's the most important thing to remember is warriors are always in the business of sacrificing something. And that's and you do it with grace, you do it with gratitude, and all those things, you the superlives that you put in there, but it's sacrifice. That's a truly uh difficult thing to do because it's a very selfless thing to do, and we always have to be cognizant of that, and how do we do that at home?

1:11:07 SPEAKER_02: It's it's can be challenging, but war is at home, sacrifice your time, sacrifice your energy for others.

1:11:14 SPEAKER_06: Oh, that's a beautiful answer. Thank you so much, Derek. TJ, let's make sure people know where to find you with the the journey that you're on now. Where where can they get the book?

1:11:29 SPEAKER_03: So you can get it on Amazon. That's the easiest one. Just type in Warrior Dad. You can go to my website. I can it's our website now, so Derek is now in the warrior dadstories.com. The the I mean, the you'll see the old website now, the new one's in the in the process being designed, the new one looks great. Uh, but warriorDadstories.com is where you can get the book. Not only that, you can get the book, you can download the companion guide. And that talks about the entire backstory behind the book, the lost haikus that inspired a lot of the odes that are only in the companion guide, right now.

1:12:03 SPEAKER_03: My work is for all my poems and things that I wrote for the men and women down at the uh post post-employment rehabilitation evaluation program at the VA Hospital in Tampa. Uh I also have my award-winning poem on there as well. And we've got a couple other things that there is a lot on there, and uh it it's uh it's been great, it's been healing for me. It's one of the big things, write healing through words for me, and hopefully inspire others to heal as well. And then uh at the end of the day, it's it's uh we'll walk this journey together.

1:12:37 SPEAKER_03: And then if you uh for the folks out there, you if you uh you know if you buy the book and you love it, please leave me a review too, because you always gotta feed the algorithm. That's the big one, right? And then uh enjoy it. And uh yeah, it's just and share it with others. Uh don't just buy the book, read it, and then leave it at the house, whatever. You know, share it with others because it's the the idea is to connect one to another and to share our stories of hope and inspiration so that we can all walk our paths.

1:13:04 SPEAKER_03: It may be different, but we can definitely walk them together.

1:13:07 SPEAKER_06: Yes, and and to caveat off that, you know, from reading the book, um, gifting it. Um, you know, when once you acquire that, gift it to someone, especially us veterans. Um, I feel like there's so many takeaways. So we always have birthdays, anniversaries, the holidays are coming up. So it'd be a great gift to give someone. If you don't know what to give, go ahead and grab the book and give it as a gift. Um TJ, you're you're also touring as well. What what cities are you are you hitting next that maybe someone may you might be visiting that they can come out and see you at?

1:13:40 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, so uh I'm gonna be at Long Tab Brewing, and that's gonna be down in San Antonio. I'm really looking forward to that. That's gonna be the 25th of June. Uh so it's gonna be on the whole Father's Day thing, so it's great. And August, I will be in Phoenix, Arizona, uh, with my mom at the Corn Fez F-E-Z. Uh so I'll be there at uh and I'm looking forward to that. And then November 7th, I will be at Beehawk Distillery, and that's in Southern Pines, North Carolina. Uh so friends of ours who retired and uh they uh have a really amazing distillery down there.

1:14:18 SPEAKER_03: They've got it's a phenomenal community there. So those are the next three that are coming up, and I've got a few more that are in the works. I'm just gonna lock them in. And then for anybody, you know, join if you come onto the website, join the mission. I put these out on my newsletters, all the podcasts, everything that we do, and the interviews and and um and articles will all go on there as well. And I'll keep everybody updated on my site. So those are the three that I've got locked in for now.

1:14:40 SPEAKER_06: Okay, awesome. And uh a final question, TJ. When someone meets you at a book signing, what do you want them to walk away with?

1:14:51 SPEAKER_03: A shared story and a shared, a great shared experience. That's what it's all about. Just I love to hear other people's stories. People come to me and say, hey, I don't know how to write my story, and they've asked me to write theirs through poem. I said, Yes, send me your story, we'll write it, and I'll send it back to you with maybe with a canvas art on it. So I've done that a couple of times already. Uh but yeah, come with come come come come out and then uh share your story because it's always great.

1:15:15 SPEAKER_03: That's how we connect with each other.

1:15:16 SPEAKER_06: Oh, I love that. Thank you so, so much, gentlemen. I'm gonna go ahead and zoom this out because this isn't just about the military, this is about being human. Everyone listening is transitioning through something a job, a relationship, a version of themselves. So I want to ask you both, what does being a warrior mean outside of the military right now as we stand in the present moment? Derek.

1:15:47 SPEAKER_04: Of course, I'm the first one.

1:15:52 SPEAKER_02: It it goes back to, you know, for me, I said earlier about what it's like being the home or in the family, with being a warrior. So very similar. Being present, sacrificing, uh but also I think it's continual service. I think one of the things that's really helpful in life is finding some something to whether it's volunteer work, whether it's coaching, whether somebody with a family, somebody's like find something that will uh impact the community in a positive light, impact your family in a positive light, your friends in a positive light.

1:16:30 SPEAKER_02: Do some sort of act of service. That is one of the most important things that you can do. I mean, heck, you can work at the SPCA with dogs, cats, rabbits, you name it. Uh whatever that looks like, do something that is selfless and it's all about service. I think that's what uh for warriors, that's what we should be doing.

1:16:49 SPEAKER_06: I love that. TJ, can you end this for us? What is one action someone listening to this podcast, wherever they are in the world, can take in the next 24 hours to take back control of their energy and direction?

1:17:06 SPEAKER_03: Yeah, control what you can control. Don't worry about anything else. Control what we can control, and then that'll bring all the energy back into you. Enjoy life, enjoy the moment, be your warrior. That's the greatest thing. Be your own warrior, connect with others, share your stories, inspire others, and be inspired by someone else's story so that we can all walk our path together. We're all humans, we're all trying to make a better life for ourselves and really for our kids and our families in the future.

1:17:37 SPEAKER_03: But we're all doing it together, we're all doing it different ways, we all have different ideas, but we're all humans trying to get to our goal, which is a better future. Doesn't matter how we see it, doesn't matter what how the how we're gonna get there, just we just gotta do it and inspire each other along the way to do that. Share your story and then just enjoy life.

1:17:57 SPEAKER_06: I love it. Thank you, gentlemen, so so much. I want to close this out with something simple but powerful. You don't lose who you are, you lose structure. And when you lose structure, you lose energy, and when you lose energy, you lose direction. But here's the truth you can rebuild all of it. So if you're listening right now and you feel off, you feel behind, you feel like you don't recognize your life, you are not broken, you are in transition. And warriors, we don't quit in transition, we rebuild.

1:18:41 SPEAKER_06: If this episode hit you, share it with someone who needs it. Go support Warrior Dad. This is bigger than a book, it's a mission. And if you're ready to take control of your energy, your discipline, and your life, stay with me because this is just the beginning. Thank you, gentlemen, so, so much. I'm so grateful that you guys joined me on the podcast for the Warriors Haven and future, future blessings for everything that's to come and the collaborations. Maybe we can collaborate on a book um together here in the future.

1:19:18 SPEAKER_06: Um, you guys with Warrior Dad, the trophy husbands. And then we also have the Warriors Haven Edge book that will be coming out sometime in 2027. So um thank you, gentlemen, so, so much in connecting and reaching out and the impact that our world um can get from all of this. Please continue, don't stop. I know there's road bumps and and so many other things that will come along the way, but you know, the mission and the vision, the goal, the dream, you know, to inspire others that if we can do it, anybody else can do it.

1:19:58 SPEAKER_06: So thank you, gentlemen, so much.

1:20:00 SPEAKER_02: Thank you. Thank you, Jay.

1:20:12 SPEAKER_06: Hi, friend. Thanks for tuning in to the Warriors Haven podcast, where we turn discipline into freedom and help you build the body, mindset, and lifestyle you deserve. If today's episode fired you up or gave you just that little push you needed, don't stop here. Head on over to the WarriorsHaven.com where you'll find details on how to jumpstart the next version of you. Remember, it's not about being perfect, it's about showing up for yourself every single day. So until next time, stay strong, stay focused, and stay ready.

1:20:43 SPEAKER_06: I'm Jaisha Sutherland, and you're listening to the Warriors Haven podcast.

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